Kerns 'R' Us

Things to do when you don't have internet or a car or your stuff in Djibouti

2012-02-11T22:32:00.003-07:00

It's not that there isn't anything to do, we just don't have a car. Plus, we didn't have internet or TV until about five minutes ago, so...

1. Read all those books, you've been wanting to read.
Eighteen books on the Kindle in the last month. Seriously.

2. Read all those books you didn't really want to read.
I may be a bad person, but I enjoy being able to mock things in a more in-depth, informed manner.
On a side note, according to Phil, seven in the morning is a little too early for a feminist rant about Twilight. He's wrong, as usual. Any time of the day is appropriate for a feminist rant!

3. Avoid teaching your toddler the alphabet, counting, shapes, or any of those other things parents are supposed to teach their children. Instead, spend hours teaching him to sing about how he's "got the moves like Jagger" and "look at that body - I WORK OUT!"

4. Take long, lukewarm, yellow-tinged baths in salt water.

5. Try to think of large-scale type plan to provide decent cameras to french food companies for their packaging. Feel justified in your feelings of surprise that the package you thought was a soup mix was actually mashed potato mix.

6. Learn the difference between chèvre and boeuf - FAST.

7. Realize deep hatred in your heart for Dora the Explorer videos. Run out of excedrin because of excessive use while trying to get rid of "Dora headaches." Let your hatred fester and grow, making you a bitter and angry person toward people with helmet-shaped hair.

8. Spend many hours picking through the fruit and vegetables at the market, hoping to find "sub-par" ones hidden among the numerous "just-this-side-of-rotten" ones.

9. Experiment with homemade insecticide. On a side note, spraying a mixture of bleach and drain cleaner at ants does not kill them.

and last, but not least -

10. Lose SIX pounds from many, many hours spent on the pot with lovely African diarrhea.

Djibouti

2012-02-10T10:06:00.002-07:00

We made it! We are alive! We are well! I didn't even make good on my many threats to kill my husband and dump his body in Somalia!

That last bit of the trip was pretty miserable.

Somehow we managed to survive an unexpected six hour layover trapped in the NOT air-conditioned and super NASTY Addis Ababa Airport (Terminal C, in case you ever have to be there). I will not even describe our experience there, because the memory of it makes me want to vomit and cry.

We arrived in Dj (I'm all cool and familiar now and using nicknames) stinky and sweaty and cranky, and were met by our sponsor and at least a half dozen Djiboutian guys, who ushered us right to the front of the customs line (it was so rude of us, I know) and sped us right out the door into a van - they were all "Nice to meet you, boss" and "Let me get that for you, boss" and almost being too helpful. Our sponsor was laughing and I was really confused by the mass of people waiting on me, until I was told that these guys were some of Phil's employees at the embassy and they wanted to meet him and make a good first impression. The unemployment rate here is about 60% and apparently these people want their jobs.

Anyway, our house is awesome, except for the kitchen and the bathrooms, where I sorta feel like I'm camping. The weather is beautiful right now (minus the dust and mosquitoes) and I keep getting flustered trying to use my teeny tiny amount of french. JBallz is absolutely LOVING the feral cats that hang around our house. Awesome.

Also, there are camels just WANDERING THE STREETS and everybody drives around them like it's no big deal. Camels! In the road! Just hanging out! I saw one SITTING in the middle of a large, busy street the other day. What the what?! I have a ton of pictures, and I thought I brought my little cord thingy but I guess I put it in the air shipment, so those will have to wait.

And yes, Anne, I have already seen a goat climbing a tree!

Also, Elise, I saw a taxi driver with a Utah State University sweatshirt on but Phil wouldn't let me get out and take a picture with him because it was "asking for trouble" or some such nonsense.

More later! Bye!

In transit.

2012-01-12T03:59:00.002-07:00

Spotty innerwebz. You know how it is.
We've had a few stops on our way. Brussels was gray and beautiful. Frankfurt was gray and graffitied. But we've done well, especially JBallz, who has weathered the long flights and time change as well as can be expected so far. We've had one hiccup where I puked my guts out one day, but Phil says it's my fault so I can't really whine about it too much, BUT I REALLY WANT TO. I've been eating healthy food and exercising (18 pounds since August folks!) and of course, haven't managed to do that this whole week and ate a whole JBallz worth of Belgian waffles and crepes and fries in beautiful paper cones smothered in curry ketchup. No wonder I vomited the whole next afternoon...
Anyway, we embark on the last little bit of our journey tonight. I'll post some pictures when I can. For some reason, we can only get internet if we are sitting in one corner of our hotel room and I don't really want to bother digging out the little camera-computer cord thingy and sit in this corner while it loads.
We've been exploring Frankfurt a little and let me just say, if a middle aged German with a mullet is wearing jeggings, I feel that it should be a sign to American teenagers everywhere that maybe that's not the best way to go in terms of fashion.

Today

2012-01-06T10:03:00.002-07:00

Three items of business:

1. It's JBallz birthday. It's a crappy day for a birthday because it's also...

2. Pack-out day. Ugh, movers give me hives.

3. I have made a new word. Bruisenesia.
Bruisenesia (brooz-nee-zhuh) - noun. A complete loss of memory about one's bruise or bruises.
Related Words: blackout, memory loss, contusion, spousal abuse while asleep?, drugging by spouse?, suspicious.
Example: I counted nineteen bruises on my body this morning and I have bruisenesia. So I blamed it on Phil.

NOM! NOM!

2011-12-31T21:49:00.003-07:00

The list of places I absolutely HAVE to go before I leave America.

1. Cafe Rio
2. Taco Bell
3. Carls Jr.
4. Mimi's
5. Serendipity
6. Georgetown Cupcakes

The first three are done. Tuesday I hit up Mimi's and obviously I have to wait until I go home to grab those last two. Not to worry, I have other lists of things to do before I leave besides this food one. Food is not the only thing I'm thinking about.
Mostly.
Ok, fine. My liar face is on. But can you blame me? Food is dericious.
Okay, digressing here - I always know when Phil is fibbing because he has what I call a "Liar Face".
JBallz has the very same face.

"JBallz, did you eat some of Mommy's birth control pills?"

"Nooooo."

"Why are they out of the package then?"

"Nooooo."

"I think you're lying to me. Where are they?"

"Yummy, yummy!"

Anyway, what do you think? Am I missing anything?
Where would you eat if you were leaving and didn't know when you'd be back?

P.S. And don't be hatin' on my Taco Bell or Carls Jr! You can pretend to be a food snob of you want, but I'll be laughing at you while I enjoy my Western Bacon Cheeseburger and my Nacho Cheese Beef Chalupa. Go ahead and dip your organic sushi in your stuck-up-snob-sauce. We all know you wish you had bacon and fake cheese on your plate.

P.P.S. I just called DC home.

P.P.P.S. Eight more days till blast-off.

No, Phil didn't kill me. I'm just busy.

2011-12-17T22:35:00.003-07:00

And my parents don't have wi-fi.
How am I supposed to waste hours on the interwebs without wi-fi?

Here are the things that are complicating my otherwise enjoyable Christmas vacation:

1. I'm working on the LONGEST JOB APPLICATION IN THE HISTORY OF JOB APPLICATIONS. Come on federal government, can't you just take my word for it that I lived in ghetto student housing in 2005? Sheesh. Somebody told me it was sixty pages. They lied! It's one hundred and twenty seven pages! ONE HUNDRED TWENTY SEVEN!

2. My savings account is bleeding by the thousands. Somebody shoot me in the face.

3. JBallz recently spent the day with his cousins. He had a blast. My awesome brother-in-law watched all three of them while my sister and I got a little time in. My nieces are my favorite little kids besides my own. The only problem? The one closest to his age is kind of...well, let's just say that her nickname is (lovingly, of course) Ava-zilla. She'll smile to your face and then stab you in the back with her toddler fork. JBallz is just slightly younger than Ava-zilla and tries to copy everything she does.
You guys, he keeps trying to out evil-genius ME (which is impossible, obviously).
And JBallz is a sore loser.

4. My little brother is also staying temporarily with my parents. He's really, really into Japanese pop music right now.

5. My parents are both on a diet. There aren't even any candy canes here! They are not only starving me, but they are starving my Christmas spirit, which goes hand in hand with Christmas goodies.

On the plus side:

1.I've lost four pounds since I've been here (anorexia, duh).

2.I haven't seen Phil since the 6th and I do believe that I actually miss him!
AND
3.Phil texted me today to tell me that he missed me and was excited to see me on Friday (must not have been THAT excited or I would have gotten a phone call...)

4.I'm also feeling a lot better about this whole moving to Djibouti thing. There's no point worrying anymore about whether or not we are "ready" - whatever that means. We're as ready as we're gonna get, so BRING IT ON AFRICA. I'm not afraid of you!

See? All is well with us.

If you see this child, do not be fooled by her cuteness and her long, pretty eyelashes.
Check her for weapons if you can and never turn your back on her!

Divorce

2011-11-29T07:48:00.003-07:00

Hah! Got your attention with that title, didn't I?
We're not getting divorced. Not yet, anyway.

Phil stated the other day that he is uncomfortable with my almost daily threats to his life.
Then somehow he got his parents to agree with him, which just goes to show that they are OBLIVIOUS to my pain and suffering! Not to worry, I'll be staying with them for a couple weeks at the end of the year and then they will see. I plan on ruining each and every day with in-depth descriptions of my woes. Watch out you two.

Phil keeps reminding me that I "knew" he wanted to do something like this when I married him. He also claims that I "encouraged" him to follow his dreams, or whatever. He even had the impudence to suggest that I "wanted" this lifestyle and that I was "excited" about it.
What a turd.

And then there's JBallz. He actually expects me to pay attention to him! I am way too busy googling "ways to kill husband" and "why isn't there any information about Djibouti on the internet?" No, I do not want to read your "Barnyard Animals" book for the twentieth time today!

But, because I am a rational and completely-sane-most-of-the-time person, I will admit that I am about 70% finished with the things on my ridiculously long to-do list and I really only have a few little things to do here, another handful of things to do in Utah (mostly shopping and shipping stuff) and the rest I will outsource to Phil. So that's good, right? Plus, our sponsors have contacted us with lots of useful tips and promises to help us out and show us around when we get to post and maybe even make their kid play with ours (they are the only two little boys at post, apparently).

Somebody Phil goes to school/work with told him that right before every move he and his wife almost get divorced. This is our fourth move together if you count the original move from separate apartments into one apartment when we got married. And it's true, each and every time we have both threatened divorce (or to break off the engagement). BUT, this is kind of a HUGE move and therefore I feel completely justified in planning creative and unusual ways for Phil's demise. Divorce is so messy in the Foreign Service and wouldn't it just be easier for him to die? I think so. Plus, we have a decent amount of life insurance on him so JBallz and I would be fine for quite a while. Just sayin'.

I haven't been this annoyed with him since JBallz was a newborn and waking up all night and I would angrily throw things at Phil and yell at him because how dare he sleep through the night when I am getting up every three hours!

Alas! Unfortunately for Phil, I have decided to hang on to him for now. ONLY because he's sort of useful with paperwork and comes home and reads that damn "Barnyard Animals" book to JBallz for several hours while I hide in the bathroom and pout about nothing in particular.
He also doesn't complain about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner ("this is really great honey, thank you") and he takes care of all those yucky boy chores that I despise like dealing with shipping a car to Djibouti and dealing with our electronics situation (including procuring a free, 7 foot, 220volt, pre-lit Christmas tree so I don't get all sad when next Christmas comes around and we put up our 3 foot tree and can't really plug it in without a big fuss). And he doesn't bother me with details I don't care about (travel order drama, anyone?).
Plus, I sorta love him, I guess.

So, no divorce for us. Or untimely deaths.
You are still stuck with me, Philip. Sucks for you!

Blogspot hates me

2011-11-26T09:54:00.003-07:00

Uh, yeah so there was a Thanksgiving post...and then there wasn't. And it wasn't even saved and now I can't remember what I wrote on there, but in a nutshell, I was planning on skipping Thanksgiving and instead I was able to spend it with some of Phil's colleagues and everything was delicious and everyone there was really great and I enjoyed the break from my current packing/preparing/whining/regular old stuff schedule. If any of you read this (which I doubt, who reads this? mostly my parents, I think...) thanks for letting us come. Sorry the sweet potatoes were so sugary. Blame Pioneer Woman.

Also, I may or may not have mentioned murdering my spouse. Again.

What else was I gonna say?
Oh yeah, JBallz has figured out how the fridge works.

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

2011-11-24T16:27:00.004-07:00

Poop

2011-11-21T13:54:00.003-07:00

I've dealt with my fair share of adult diapers and I've always thought that changing a baby was about a million, trillion times better than changing an 85 year old who broke her hip, ya know?

So I never really thought about it when I was changing JBallz a dozen times a day. No biggie. So I didn't really notice or do anything (and how was I supposed to know anyway? Hello! New mom here) when he was pooping anywhere from 7 to 10 times a day. And never solid. And he had a near-constant diaper rash because of it.
Then, both my mom and my mother-in-law pointed out to me that he pooped a lot.
Oh.
So I asked his pediatrician and he told me that JBallz probably has "Toddler Diarrhea" which I had never heard of but apparently has no cause and just goes away after a couple of years. The only thing you can do is give him probiotics. Okay, fine. I started putting probiotic powder in some juice everyday and he did cut down on the liquid poop to about 4 or 5 times a day. Still never solid.
Then, I was talking to my friend Becky about food allergies and she inspired me to do something that I had thought about and just hadn't bothered with. Cut things out of JBallz diet and see if he stopped having rank, runny crap.
I know, how lazy am I that I didn't bother with this until now!?! He's almost two and he's been doing this his entire life.
The first and most obvious thing to start with was dairy.

AND YOU GUYS, IT IS SO NICE TO ONLY CHANGE ONE OR TWO POOPY DIAPERS A DAY.

He's lactose intolerant for sure.
I bet we are going to save SO much money on diapers.
And this just goes to show that you should always get a second opinion. And that you should actually do something when you get a nagging feeling about it.

I just never realized this part of my life could be so much easier!
So, of course, I had to write a blog post to tell my friends way too much information about my son's poop.
I'm procrastinating all that stuff I need to do again, obviously.

TADA!

2011-11-17T12:28:00.004-07:00

Some things I bought a two year supply of (because I got a good deal on them) and the rest I guessed and bought about six months worth, so that after I get my bearings and realize what we're actually using and what's available, blah, blah, blah, we'll do our second shipment from ELSO.

Obsessions

2011-11-15T07:15:00.002-07:00

This is Bobo. A dog toy. His hands and feet squeak. It's annoying.

This is Sheepy. Sometimes pronounced "Seepy", which is also how "sleepy" is pronounced. It creates some confusion sometimes.

This is Mama Lamb (there's a Baby Lamb, too). She's usually called "Mommy". I am called "Mom" finally, which is a much better name than "Bobby".

This, of course, is Cookie (pronounce Kiki).

They travel as a pack. Always.
And heaven help us if they are not present for "seepy" time. The world may actually end. It's pretty devastating. Even if "seepy" time is passing out in the middle of the room.

And just because I need to complain at least once per post, IT'S NOT FAIR THAT HE GETS TO PASS OUT WHENEVER HE WANTS AND I DON'T!
Consumables have taken over my life.
But, on the bright side, I think that by the end of today I will be 99% finished with them which means that tomorrow I shall post pictures of all my hard work. Maybe. I don't know, I'm pretty tired, I may just pass out on the floor next to JBallz.

The Story of JBallz

2011-11-10T20:12:00.003-07:00

Two blogs posts in two days? Obviously, I am procrastinating. I know.
I'm also playing a lot of Words with Friends.

*Ahem*

Somebody asked why I call my kid JBallz on the blog. And then I realized that this somebody thought we were total perverts. Then it occurred to me that maybe other people thought we were total perverts too, so I figured I'd better explain.

We had a really hard time trying to find a name that we both agreed on. Phil made all sorts of completely ridiculous rules about naming him. I couldn't name him any ex-boyfriend names. Which is stupid because there really aren't all that many names that rule disqualifies. Phil always makes it sound like I'm the town harlot or something.
He also wouldn't let me name him any names of people he was related to.
Have I mentioned that Phil has FIVE TRILLION cousins?
That cut out a TON of names.

All I asked for was that the name was not stupid.
See what a good wife I am? I am SO easy to get along with.

Anyway, we decided the night before what his name should be and when he was born Phil proclaimed that he didn't look like his name (watch out, I'm about to digress here. It's coming, it's coming, aaaand here it is). I don't get it when people are waiting to see what their baby looks like to name them. ALL NEWBORNS LOOK LIKE PUFFY LITTLE ALIENS. You can pretend like yours didn't, but we all know better.
Sorry about that. Moving on.
We picked a name that can be made into a few different nicknames so I told Phil to try out a nickname for him and do you know what he came up with?

JBallz.

Balls, Phil? Seriously? No. I'm not calling him that.
It's not balls Camille, it's Ballz. It's his gangsta name.
You don't even know any gangstas.
I do now.
I'm not calling him JBallz.
Fine, but I am.

And then Phil proceeded to call him JBallz exclusively until it started sticking and pretty soon I started calling him JBallz, and our siblings started calling him JBallz, and people at church started calling him JBallz. And we referred to him as JBallz when we talked about him, so our friends and co-workers started calling him JBallz.
And I even heard my mother-in-law call him JBallz a time or two.

We call him JBallz on the blog because Phil didn't really want me to put his name on here lest he get kidnapped or something (whatever, it's not like I'm putting our address on here).
Admit it, though - JBallz is a WAY better name than "Champ" or "Sweetie" or something equally lame.

But, we made a conscious decision to start calling him his actual name about a year ago. We were a little worried that he would start talking and introduce himself as JBallz. So, now he's only JBallz on the blog. Or when we talk about him and he's not around. And sadly, to me, he's sort of grown out of the nickname. He was JBallz when he was littler and now he's not. *Sniffle* He's growing up so fast.

My puffy little alien. Watch out though, he's not afraid to hit you with his ring finger.

Karma, much?

2011-11-10T11:25:00.002-07:00

Well, the entire Foreign Service (certainly the Foreign Service blogosphere) is up in arms about this. And so am I. How dare Rick Perry stomp on my stressed-out, depressed, worried feelings by saying that he doesn't think our "intentions" are in our countries best interests?
Do you think I'm headed to Djibouti for a vacation? Maybe you think I'm headed there because it just sounds like so much fun.

I'm not the diplomat of the family, but I think I can safely use my freedom of speech here and say that Rick Perry is a complete jackass.

You can read all about it here.

Others are being much more eloquent and rational about it.

BUT,
Thankfully, we didn't have to wait very long before karma bit Rick Perry right in the butt.
Right here.
That's what you get, pal. That's what you get.

A Series of Unfortunate Haircuts - Back from the Dead!

2011-11-08T09:15:00.003-07:00

This is how I'm cheering myself up today.

Unfortunately, this terrible picture of me is the only one I have that shows my pink hair. And even then, this is more faded, and growing out and mixed with a ton of my regular brown color. Originally, it was brighter and occupying much more of my very short, ridiculous hair.

Not pictured is the pink nose stud. Oh, the things we do to ourselves when we're nineteen...

I can't possibly be the only one who was this dumb at that age, and I'm always appalled when I hear about people who got married when they were that young. I would never have made the right choice for a spouse at that time. Never, ever. I suppose that's why divorce rates are higher for teenagers. Because, let's face it. Most teenagers can't even make sensible decisions regarding hair and make-up (hello, WHITE eyeliner! What was I thinking???) so how can they make a good choice regarding a HUGE commitment like marriage?

Although, on the other side of that, I know plenty of people who married as teens (probably even people who wore white eyeliner) and have been perfectly happy and made it work just fine. So, I suppose not everyone was as stupid as I was.

Or they're just lucky. Who knows, really.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand.

Pink hair. I can't blame my mom for this one!

The consequences of life right now.

2011-11-05T08:34:00.004-06:00

I'm going to be back in Utah for most of December and then when I come home, pack-out is about a week after that, and then we leave.

I need to finish getting my consumables. Djibouti was actually recently un-consumabled, but somehow we were grandfathered in and we are the last ones to get consumables (which I'm very happy about because, contrary to popular opinion, we don't make that much money. We are squarely middle class. Because of the way salary matching is, we took a very large paycut. But, it's about what we were paying for our mortgage before and luckily we managed to rent out our house in Utah and our housing is covered while in training and overseas. According to my math, we are living on the same amount of money we were living on before. Except now we don't have my income to supplement) and things are much cheaper here than there (still expensive though, despite the fact that I did the crazy coupon lady thing). I'm having a hard time finding places to put all this stuff in our itsy-bitsy apartment.

Cooler filled with shampoo anyone?

A few things of toothpaste?

Plus, I need to separate what we're taking in the air shipment (which we'll get about three weeks in) and what we're taking on the boat shipment (which we'll get about four months in). Hopefully, nothing like this happens. Plus, I'm trying to look ahead and figure out the "big" things we'll want in the next two years that we can't get in the mail (tricycle, scuba stuff, bike for JBallz, CAR). Plus, I need to find that evening gown, Christmas gifts, JBallz birthday is coming up, and none of us have any decent summer clothes. And I don't have any work clothes for the job I hope to get at the embassy. I don't think anyone would approve if I showed up in scrubs.

There isn't anything healthcare related available for me unless I speak french. Frowny face. That's what I'm most comfortable doing, but my french is terrible. Oh yeah, that's on my to-do list also. Learn french. Ugh.

Anyway, I have to get this all done in November, since I'll be outta here in December. And HOLY CRAP, IT'S NOVEMBER.

Consequently, I have cried every single day for the last two weeks. Over stupid things. For example, two weeks ago there was a substitute for story time at the library and she was awesome and I cried on the way home.

I cried over this movie, I cried when my friend Liz accepted my invitation to come have Thanksgiving with us, I cried when I watched this series when I realized I was watching Lucius Malfoy and he is so attractive without all that blonde hair.

Anyway, I haven't been on an anti-depressant for quite some time and I decided it might be best if I dug out those old pills and self-medicated.
I'm feeling less tearful now.

But, I'm still stressed out because I'm moving to Djibouti. I think that deserves a partially bleeped out expletive.

HOLY SH*T, I'M MOVING TO AFRICA.

The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?

2011-11-02T20:50:00.007-06:00

Let's just say that there are two certain medications to prevent a certain disease in a number of certain countries. Let's also just say that the chances of getting this certain disease are on the low-ish side in Djibouti.
But, let's also just say that there is a fair amount of pressure to take the medication to prevent this disease that we probably won't get (and there is a plentiful supply of the treatment available, just in case) because it is "officially recommended". We'll call the more popular medication taken for this disease X, and the less popular medication Y.

This is all hypothetical, of course.

Let's pretend that there is an imaginary place that deals with such things. Let's pretend that they probably deal with these things on a daily basis. Let's also pretend that we know our own medical history.

In this totally-imaginary-and-really-only-hypothetical situation, one would really wonder about this imaginary place IF a conversation such as the following, had actually happened. In real life. Which, it of course didn't, really...

"So have you thought about which of these medications you want to take?"
"Yes. I think I'm going to go with Y."
"Really? You know Y is daily, right? X is only weekly. And a lot better."
"I know, but because of my medical history I don't want to take it. I'm going with Y."
*sigh* "Okay. Do you want to get it from us or do you want to wait until you get to post to get it?"
"Well, how long before we get to post are we supposed to start taking the medication?"
"For X you need to start it a couple weeks before, and for Y you need to start it a few days before."
"..."
Blank stare.
"So, I would need to get it from here then."
Blank stare.
"Because I'm not a time traveler."
Blank stare.
"I think the chances of finding a DeLorean in Djibouti are slim to none."

Okay, maybe I may not have actually said those last two statements in this very-hypothetical-and-completely-a-figment-of-my-imagination conversation, but I thought them.

We OCCUPIED that Halloween party!

2011-10-28T18:40:00.004-06:00

We've had some hits over the years. Sarah Palin and John McCain on the last election year, and of course little Gomez Addams/Charlie Chaplin/Hercule Poirot was painfully funny.

We've had some misses, too. The "Bad" Missionaries year, where I was seven months pregnant and Phil had a beard...and nobody else thought it was very funny.
And I'll never forget, while Phil and I were dating there was The Jafar Incident.
Direct quote from Phil - "Who doesn't want to be Jafar?"
Um, nobody. You are lucky I stayed with you, because most girls would have run at the sight of that Jafar hat. And beard. And curled mustache.

But, this year was my best yet for original, free, and funny group costumes ifIdosaysomyself.

Behold, OCCUPY WALL STREET

Disclaimer: Phil's fingers don't look this stubby in real life. I don't know what's going on here, but they are much longer in person.

No group pictures. We forgot to bring the camera to the party. But maybe if you're friends with the three complete strangers who asked to take our picture, you might see one on facebook or something.

JBallz made Phil hold him and walk him around for the trick-or-treating.
"I always gotta carry the 99. He's constantly mooching off me, making me support his Hot Wheels habit."
I've decided to forgive Phil for The Jafar Incident - but ONLY because he makes me laugh. Sometimes.

Typhoid JBallz

2011-10-27T06:44:00.004-06:00

Once upon a time when I was a productive member of society, I worked at a hospital. And they were really good about keeping me up to date on all my vaccinations. Ya know, because you can catch some seriously strange things from a bunch of old ladies getting their knees replaced. Anyway...

Yesterday we started getting our Africa shots. I strolled on down to FSI and saw this freaky thing.

Hi. No feet. It has no feet.

Then we had a slightly disorganized visit with the very nice Shot Ladies. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that if most of what you do is shoot people up with rabies/yellow fever/typhoid you would be a little more prepared to do it, at my last job we called that "Anticipating the Needs of the Patient." I heard the word "Oh!" like twenty times.
Oh! I forgot an alcohol swab. Oh! I forgot a band-aid. Oh! I needed to make a copy of this. Oh! Let me go find the childproof bottles. Oh! Oh! Oh!
They were really sweet, and very nice to JBallz. But...um....scattered.
Anyway, everybody was fine after the shots but me. I started feeling sore early in the afternoon and by evening I was dizzy and feverish and had a hot pad on my arm. Lame. I've never been sick from shots before. And I've had A LOT of shots.
Then I made a lame joke about how I had rabies on facebook and only one person got it. Sigh.
I'm totally off my game. It must be the typhoid.

I've heard it both ways.

2011-10-21T20:20:00.005-06:00

I got some interesting information from Phil the other day. Apparently, "ASS'N" stands for "Association" not "Assassin".

Every once in a while

2011-10-19T08:52:00.003-06:00

Phil does something nice for me.

Like buy tickets to a musical that I've loved since I was fourteen when my parents bought the soundtrack on CASSETTE TAPE for me for Christmas.
And then he arranged for my grandparents to watch JBallz (they are out here visiting) so I didn't have to worry about him at all.
It was nice actually, and as I told my friends on facebook - I have decided to postpone killing him off. For now.

And to show my gratitude, I plan on singing ALL of Les Miserables to him tonight over dinner. He doesn't think I know all the words, but I think he really underestimates my fourteen year old obsessed self.
I also know all the words to TLC's "Waterfalls" including the rap bit. Just sayin'.

Just a little tidbit.

2011-10-13T20:33:00.004-06:00

I love my husband's family. Really. I lucked out BIG TIME with my in-laws.
And I'm not just talking about his immediate family. I have a special place in my heart for his cousins. All five thousand of them. Really. There are too many to keep track of. One of them has an all "J" letter family, one of them has an all "C" or "K" letter family (with names that could be either one). So many cousins! On both sides! My little brain cannot hold all that information at once!
But I don't feel too bad because one of the uncles of the family couldn't remember me and I had actually stayed at his house for three days and had extensive orthopedic conversations with him. That's right, Kristi, you know who I'm talking about. And it was funny. And I like him even more because he wasn't even embarrassed, just laughed it off because it probably happens all the time.

Possibly the most fertile family I've ever met.

Where was I going with this?
Oh yeah.

Before we moved, one of Phil's awesome cousins (who is also unfairly beautiful. And has perfect teeth. And hair. I would hate her if she wasn't so nice) who also has her own large pile of children, gave me a huge box of toddler clothes for JBallz after I whined on facebook about spending money on my kid (nobody told me I would have to spend actual dollars on a kid!!! That was not in "What to Expect When You're Expecting")
I took the box home, glanced through it and saw all sorts of clothes and bedsheets, a hat, and a pair of shoes. Nice!
Later, while I was in the midst of pre-packing so that the movers wouldn't touch all my stuff, I had my lovely sister-in-law go through the clothes and pull out everything that JBallz could wear this winter. Follow me so far?
Well, I finally plunged into that pile of clothes (because, you know, it's winterish now) and found the most ENTERTAINING TODDLER OUTFIT EVER.
Have you ever seen The Teletubbies?

How about just the Red Teletubby?

JBallz thought I was laughing with him. Silly JBallz.

A definite frontrunner for Halloween.

Haaaallelujah!

2011-10-12T19:33:00.002-06:00

Sorry about all that whineryness the other day about my medication getting to Djibouti thing.
All of my problems are pretty much solved now.
On a whim, I thought I'd call my NP in Utah that I had been seeing for several years before moving here. I figured there was no harm in asking if she would skype appointments with me even thought she isn't on my insurance plan.
Guess what? She can't skype with me. She can however, see me when I'm on home leave and write my prescription every three months as long as I have a family member who can come and get it from her in person. And my sister lives about ten minutes away. GOLDEN.
Then my sister can mail it to the online pharmacy, and they will mail the medication to me.
We have an appointment right before Christmas (I'll be in Utah visiting) to work out the details.
Yay!!!!

In other news, Phil and I were talking about my upcoming trip to Utardland and how it would be the longest amount of time we have spent apart since we met and how lonely and sad it would be here for him, all alone. And he said "Are you going to expect me to call you everday while you're gone, because I think that's a little excessive don't you?"

So, uh...if Phil goes missing I have no idea what happened to him. I certainly did not strangle him and stuff him down the trash chute in our apartment building. Don't look there, mmmkay?

Nooooo, I don't smell anything strange over there. Just garbage. That's it. ONLY GARBAGE.

Action Shot

2011-10-11T10:47:00.008-06:00

I'm a City Girl

2011-10-10T07:43:00.003-06:00

I love, love, love, love, love living in a city.

Don't get me wrong, Eagle Mountain was great but the gas station was a ten minute drive and the grocery store was almost twenty minutes away and it really wears at you to feel so isolated. It wore at me, anyway. And once a week I would do "errand day" and try and get everything done because it was such a trek to go "into town".

Once a week grocery shopping was no big deal, I think a lot of people go once a week. I made a menu, and a list of the ingredients I needed and I bought the things on the list. Simple.
So when I moved here I was still in that mentality. But since I had no car, I forked out the extra ten dollars and had my weekly supply of groceries delivered. Still good. Still pretty simple.
But, for the last couple of weeks I've decided to switch it up and experiment. I've been shopping "European Style" (walking to the store every day and shopping only for that day) and the difference has been incredible.

We do not waste ANY food anymore. Seriously, it's amazing. I used to try and think up a succession of meals that would use up the same ingredient that I would get in bulk. For example, I would buy a big thing of chicken and we would eat a bunch of chicken centered meals, or I would buy cilantro for a certain meal and then plan a handful of other meals that used cilantro too so that I would use it up and it wouldn't be wasted or go bad. I thought I was doing pretty well. But, no! We do not waste ANYTHING now and it's because I stopped planning meals ahead of time and plan them exclusively around leftovers now. It's amazing. I went through the numbers and we are saving about thirty percent on groceries.
That's no small number when you're living in this part of the country.

I could never have done this in Eagle Mountain.

I love living here.

Anyway, I'm just really, really proud of myself and think Phil should give me some sort of reward for my incredible homemakery. Don't you?

I has a problem - and I need FS advice...again.

2011-10-08T20:20:00.004-06:00

It's about ADD meds in Djibouti. Don't bother reading if this doesn't apply.

(Goodbye all readers.)

I know there are people out there who are really anti-medication (and people who are even anti-ADD) but for me it works, it makes my life a zillion, trillion times better. My marriage is better, my life is under control and I'm happier. So I figure that people who don't agree with my decision to take stimulants can suck it. They aren't me and they aren't Jesus so they really have no reason to judge me do they?

Anywhooo, the medication that I take is a controlled substance. Which means, in most states, that I have to see a doctor every three months for a new prescription.
Remember how we're going to Djibouti? Yeah, it's going to be difficult to get my medication. So I thought I would try to switch to a non-stimulant (not a controlled substance) medication. They exist after all, and they might work. So I switched. And I felt like SH*T on the stuff. I tried it for two months - I gave it a really good try. It just does not work for me. I had a bunch of crappy side effects and I just felt terrible. So I went to the doctor here (who, btw, asked me if I really felt like I needed my brain to work properly since I was "just a stay at home mom". I wanted to shoot her.) and now I have the regular stuff again.

Which brings me back to my problem with getting the medication in Djibouti. I could fly to Nairobi every three months to see the psychiatrist there (I've been told there's one there, but I'm finding more and more that MED has no clue who they have where...so maybe there isn't one, I don't know) but that would cost a lot and I'd really rather see the doctor that comes through Djibouti every three months. But, MED told me that State Department doctors won't deal with anything that someone should be going through a psychiatrist for. Is that true? Would I be out of line seeing the doctor that comes through post for this?

Anybody? Bueller? Bueller? Please tell me I'm not the only person ever who has had to get a controlled substance medication in a country with limited medical care?

2011-09-26T17:58:00.003-06:00

I'm quick. Like a cat. Or a sloth. Yeah, more like a sloth.

2011-09-25T17:19:00.004-06:00

So JBallz hit me in the nose with his head. Again. No, I'm not joking. I'm not going to bother going in to get it x-rayed again. Right when it was almost healed, too.

Oh, and this morning I let JBallz pretend to help me cook breakfast (meaning that he stood on a chair and watched me stir up scrambled eggs) and somehow his arms grew an extra foot and he leaned over and put his hand on the burner before I could grab him. He spent the next two hours screaming at me. How is it that my reflexes are so slow? How did he manage to get to the burner? How can one person scream for SO LONG?

Oh and here's a little fun news - we found out that Djibouti is being UN-CONSUMABLED! This is big news! I don't have to buy all my groceries a couple years ahead of time.
Except that I already started (look, I have been doing the crazy coupon lady thing. Not my fault all these things were such good deals) and I have a whole bunch of stuff for our consumables shipment taking up space in our little apartment. I'm actually quite worried about not bringing consumables anymore because the cost of food over there has risen 50%.
Man, I totally HATE it when famines happen!
So if no one hears from me after we move to Africa it's because I sold my soul to the devil to pay for groceries. Or I started working part-time at the embassy. Probably, the latter but you never know.

Help! I need a prom dress. Wait, no - a BALL dress!

2011-09-20T13:07:00.003-06:00

So, we have a CLO at post. We didn't before, but we do now which makes me SO happy. She seems happy to answer all of my ridiculous questions and more - and not only that, but she offered up a little tip that I probably wouldn't have figured out until it was too late.
She said, before you leave the States you are going to want to get an evening dress.
Say what?
I don't know what those things are. Or how to wear them.

So I'm throwing a question out into the Foreign Service bloggy universe.
What kind of dress am I supposed to be getting for the Marine Ball?

Should it be more of a cocktaily kind of thing? Or a bridesmaidy thing? Can I go all out Cinderella for this? Could I get away with something barely more formal than churchwear? Does it need to be long or can I do tea length? Am I over thinking this? Help me out here ladies, what did you do?

There's a million more where those came from!

2011-09-15T21:57:00.004-06:00

I have a pile of socks sitting on my dresser waiting for the day when I finally finish ALL of the laundry (at the same time) and find their matches. Phil just barely noticed this today and asked what all the socks were about.

I said they were lonely socks. Unaccompanied, if you will.

Ba-dum, cha!
See? That's a Foreign Service joke right there.
Watch out, Phil. I know you feel obliged to chuckle while I make consumables jokes, too. You mess up my consumables, Ima mess you up!
I'm full of 'em folks, I could do this all night.

Cupcake Face-Off

2011-09-13T08:31:00.003-06:00

I know. It's been awhile. I'm busy. With some very important things.

Like eating cupcakes.
DEEELICIOUS cupcakes!

Over Labor Day weekend Phil came up with possibly the best idea ever.He was all "Hey, let's do a cupcake comparison between Georgetown Cupcake and Sprinkles this weekend." And I was all "I'm busy teaching JBallz important survival skills here, but I suppose we can take a short break."

So we did. Best face off ever!
By the way, that was a terrible movie. Totally unrealistic. NEVER would anyone in their right mind trade faces with Nicholas Cage. If forced, I might be convinced to trade with John Travolta, but Cage is way too droopy.

Anyway.

Georgetown Cupcake and Sprinkles are both reality show cupcake places here in DC and obviously, I haven't seen either show. I am clearly too good to watch trashy, reality show TV.

Besides, I'm way too busy watching "Ice Loves Coco" and "Hoarders". Sheesh! Priorities, people!

I present to you-

Georgetown VS Sprinkles: A Not-That-Difficult Choice.

Now, Sprinkles is the bigger one, but don't let that deceive you. They were also almost a dollar more expensive (each) AND they came out the big loser out of the two.
Why?

Sprinkles:
Traveled better (at least by bus, frosting didn't budge on the way home)
Bigger.

That's it.

Both:
Tasted almost the same in the 'cake' part.

Georgetown:
Frosting was FAR superior
Candies on top tasted better
More variety of flavors
Cheaper

In the end it came down to quantity or quality. I chose quality. Sprinkles was pretty good, but their frosting tasted like something I could get at the grocery store, just lots of it. Georgetown cupcakes are smaller, but the frosting is creamier and the variety is better.

Best experiment EVER.

We got WAY too may cupcakes at each place and after the initial sampling, the poor Sprinkles box just sat around all lonely while we devoured the rest of the Georgetown cupcakes. Sorry, they just weren't worth the calories when I could eat something that tasted so much...better.

I know, Sprinkles. You tried. And if I had never eaten at GC I would probably think you were great, but it's too late now. I've been spoiled by creamy deliciousness.

He's almost 20 months old, you'd think he'd be able to do it.

2011-09-01T10:19:00.003-06:00

It's been an exciting couple of weeks here, what with QUAKEHURRIGEDDON and all. We had another earthquake today and if you add that to the weekend hurricane and the earthquake last week then one thing is abundantly clear.
The end is nigh, people, nigh.

With that in mind I am trying to teach JBallz what to do in the event of an emergency and he refuses to listen to me, and keeps handing me The Wiggles DVD.

And unfortunately, while I did manage to teach JBallz to put his feet up to his nose and say "Ewwwe!" last week, he's not really catching on while I try to teach him to speak as Glenn Becky as possible and say

This is the day.
Of.
Your.

Doom.

All I ask for is a son who can make a decent announcement for me when the zombie apocalypse comes and I enter a room full of the un-dead, guns blazing. Is that so much?

I think it might be the dramatic pauses that are throwing him off.

QUAKEHURRIGEDDON

2011-08-28T17:34:00.003-06:00

I'm Just Gonna Come Out And Say It

2011-08-23T11:36:00.005-06:00

Because I know we are all thinking it (right?).

The blue Wiggle is kinda hot.

Are those tattoos?!? You know I can't resist a tatted up guy who is great with kids.

...and has sparkling, white teeth.

Here he is in a cowboy hat.

In case that didn't do it, here he is holding a baby.

Now go eat some ice cream so your ovaries will stop screaming at you.

I thought I would at least try

2011-08-21T13:26:00.005-06:00

to distract myself from the quiet whistle of air going in and out of one nostril (most annoying sound ever? yes) by cuddling with JBallz, who is feeling slightly under the weather. It's stormy outside and I thought we'd watch a little TV, but the only thing on is a Thomas the Train movie and wow. What. A. Yawner.

Anyhow, I thought I'd look through the pictures from last week...

Somehow, my sister saw Dorothy's Ruby Slippers in Hollywood earlier this year. And yet, here they are, in the Museum of American History! I wish I could be IN TWO PLACES AT THE SAME TIME just like those ruby slippers...

We also saw the Princess Dresses, er...First Lady Dresses. My niece is four.

Okay, how huge must Michelle Obama's feet be? Look at those shoes! I say elevens, at least.

And apparently the only good thing about the Pentagon City Mall is getting Smurfs with your chicken nuggets.

We did a bunch of other stuff too, but I was lame and forgot my camera for most of it.
Back to Thomas I guess...and my baby's digestive problems.

Watch out, I'm about to go all Naomi Campbell on somebody

2011-08-19T07:59:00.002-06:00

If only phones were as heavy as they used to be. Sigh.

So, this morning was my long awaited appointment with the ENT/plastic surgeon. I was hoping to come home from the appointment with two black eyes, a nose that faced forward, and full use of both nostrils.
Because, when it comes to broken noses you have a relatively short amount of time in which it can be fixed without having to be knocked out (which means that you can avoid blood tests, time in recovery, blah, blah, blah). Two weeks. That's what it is. After two weeks, the nose is harder to manipulate and you probably have to do actual surgery to fix it.
When this first happened, I made an appointment with the only ENT/facial plastic surgeon that Coventry lists within a zillion miles of me. The soonest I could get in to see him was today, two days shy of that two week deadline.
But then Phil called me as said there was some kind of appointment setting lady for the State Department (?) that could get me in earlier. So I said sure, sounds good.
She called me and told me she had made an appointment with an ENT/throat cancer specialist. Whatever. I figured I would go and just see what he says and then go to the facial plastic surgeon and have him fix my nose. At least that way I could tell the insurance that I had gotten a second opinion if it came down to a fight. So I went to the throat cancer guy, who looked up my nose and said he could fix it, which I politely declined. Sorry, but I would rather have a nose guy fix my nose than a throat guy. It's in the middle of my face, after all. Kind of a big deal.
So I was very excited to head out to the doctor I had originally made an appointment with this morning. I was gonna get my nose fixed! Yay for breathing! Yay for not leaning to the right!
But, alas! Here I sit, mouth breathing on my laptop. Nose not fixed. Nostrils not working right. Why?
Because she called and cancelled my appointment.
SHE CANCELLED MY APPOINTMENT.
Did she ask me if that was ok? No.
Did she even call to tell me she did that? No.

Imagine my confusion when I bounced into the doctors office this morning with my hopes high, only to be told that well, yes I am in the computer and it looks like I had an appointment, but it was cancelled, sorry. I really almost cried.

So, as you can imagine, I'm pissed. Now, we have no choice but to do a big-deal rhinoplasty. Which is going to cost plenty and disrupt my life quite a bit.

Also, I made Phil promise me that we will never, ever have Coventry Healthcare while we are living in the states ever again. It has done nothing but give me headaches.

I think I need to watch a little Persuasion and eat some Ben and Jerry's. Maybe after that I'll stop wanting to throw things.

A Few Things

2011-08-14T19:21:00.004-06:00

A. As predicted, the ENT who specializes in throat cancer thought I was crazy for coming to see him. Thank you, Coventry.

B. My nose is still on sideways.

C. Elise is here. Let me tell you, sister's are great. Nieces who distract The Nose Breaker, other wise known as JBallz - even better!

In case we aren't Facebook friends, here is the un-swollen result of last weekend's shenanigans. Ignore the size of my monstrous pores, please.

Oh yes, this is going to be fixed. But in the meantime I'm very happy with my visitors.

Like this

:-D

Actually, more like this

:?D

More Snout Drama

2011-08-08T14:41:00.006-06:00

Yep. Broken. Fractured down the left side. Nice JBallz, nice.

Anyway, they couldn't fix it (something, something, swelling, something, something) and now I have an appointment with an ENT who is also a Plastic Surgeon AND an ENT who specializes in throat cancer (?) that the State-Department-Georgetown-Hospital-insurance-appointment-setter-lady (?) set me up with.

No, you didn't read that wrong. Most of my interactions with our current insurance company have resulted in similar situations. Oh, you broke your nose? Sucky! Think it's gonna need surgery? Can't breathe? Hmmm...well how about a guy who specializes in throat cancer?

In the mean time, I'm pretty sure that I am unable to do ANYTHING around here. You know, I might get a.... um.... deadly... hematoma in my nose. Yeah! A deadly nasal hematoma!
It's too risky, Phil. I CAN'T make dinner.
I HAVE to sit in bed and watch period dramas all day, sorry. You know I would help if I could.
Also, a steady supply of fudgesicles was definitely ordered by the doctor... to go with my North and South (Look back. Look back at me) marathon.

I love Mr. Thornton...

Just call me Owen Wilson

2011-08-07T18:16:00.005-06:00

And just call JBallz "Cement-Head".
Because Ho.Ly. Cow.

So, the three of us were hanging out on the bed, enjoying our lazy Sunday, and quizzing JBallz about the location of his body parts (show me your teeth? good job!) and then laughing about how weird he is. You know, just normal family down-time type stuff.
And like any toddler, JBallz throws his head back violently whenever he feels like it.
And just like a million other times, he whacked me in the face with the back of his head.

Except this time it was a little harder...and a little more on the nose.

Yeah, he totally busted my schnoz.
When he hit me, we could hear a crack. JBallz turned around and looked at me and said "Uh-oh! Ow!"
Phil turned around and looked at me and said, "Are you okay?"
And then my nose started bleeding.
And then it swelled up.
And then it started to look like it was leaning to the right.
No black eye...yet.

LOOK AT THIS!

This bump was not there before.

Also, this is a dramatic shift in directions. Now we are sloping to the side. Can you see it? It is totally off-center! And for some reason you can't see at all how red and swollen it is, but trust me. It's red and swollen.

Bad JBallz!

So I'm headed to the Urgent Care tomorrow morning to see if it's not too late to snap my nose back in line. Thankfully, my friend Kim is coming to my rescue and watching JBallz while I go and I can only hope that he doesn't break any of her body parts while he is over there tomorrow morning...

Rooooaaaarrr!!!

2011-08-06T19:16:00.004-06:00

Nice mane, Elise.
Oh and by the way - 5 days left!

A Man's Hairspray

2011-08-05T12:21:00.004-06:00

I ran out of Suave.
And this stuff was almost as cheap, so that's what I grabbed.

I asked Phil if he liked his new hairspray and he said, "It's so manly, it's like spraying whiskey on my hair."

And that's why I married him, folks. He's that manly.

Giving Up

2011-08-04T13:58:00.003-06:00

So, we were invited to a dinner at an Important State Department Person's house. We were going to go meet some other Important State Department People who had come back recently from Djibouti so we though it was kind of necessary to go. We wanted to hear the stories, meet the people, etc. Plus, the Important State Department Person who hosted is quite friendly with Phil and happens to be in his french class and so we wanted to go. The awesomeness of the people involved was enough to set our Djibouti-bound hearts all aflutter!
But, the timing of it all was such that we were unable to find a last minute babysitter and besides that, they had specifically asked Phil to bring his family.
So we brought our little monster. To dinner. Which started at his bedtime.
DISASTER.

Basically, he threw about a dozen mini-tantrums, stuffed his face with stolen cheese cubes, spilled chocolate milk on a chair, spilled an entire cup of water on himself, broke toys that weren't his, hit both of our host's daughters, and gave himself a bloody nose.

I'm thinking about not leaving the house again with him until he's twenty.

I suppose on the bright side, at least he didn't take his diaper off and pee on anything. He also didn't walk around saying "poop" over and over, and I didn't see him pick his nose and wipe it on anyone. So that's good, right?

Rawr.

2011-07-30T10:43:00.003-06:00

This morning a woman (who claimed to be a doctor) came over to do some blood draws and take our vitals for our new life insurance (if Phil dies, I'm gonna be rich!).

She was an all-over mess. Seriously. Her scale was twenty full pounds off, she told us both we were taller than we are, and I know the blood pressure she wrote down for me was completely inaccurate. When she tried to take Phil's blood she didn't put a tourniquet on his arm and then complained that his veins were hard to find. Well, yes. I would imagine that they are.

She also talked a lot about her cats and a quilt and her grown children that were still living with her...

And she seriously wanted Phil to get a visa for her daughter-in-law in Brazil. And didn't really seem to believe him when he said he didn't have any control over that.

Oh, and she told us that JBallz looks more like an eighteen month old than a two year old. Uh...that's because he is eighteen months, crazy lady. You were the one who decided he was two.

And, she argued with me about where I was born. Was I sure I was born in Florida? Because my social security number is definitely from Massachusetts.
No, I'm positive I was born in Florida.
Well, maybe you parents sent off for a social security number in Massachusetts.
I assure you, they didn't. It's a Florida number, I promise.
No, no, that's definitely a Massachusetts number.

Anyway, I'm annoyed and it's hot.

BUT, it's only a week and a half until you-know-who gets here - so that will cheer me up :)

It's Round Up Time!

2011-07-26T19:41:00.007-06:00

The Wandering Drays is hosting this week and the theme is...

PACKOUT.

Dun, dun, dunnnnnn!

We actually had a very smooth packout.
Here are a few tips that helped me stay sane. We'll see if any of them made a real difference to the condition of my stuff when it arrives in Africa....

Kern Packout Success Tip #1 - Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I pretty much pre-packed everything. I didn't want anything exposed to moisture or bugs or anything so I organized everything, cleaned everything and put them all into bins. I also wanted to make sure the movers physically touched as little of my stuff as possible (because nobody washes their hands as much as I would prefer them to) so I disassembled everything I could (the bed, bookshelves, etc.).

Kern Packout Success Tip #2

You are probably working with cavemen...so keep it idiot-proof.

Also, I moved everything except the big furniture into a few central areas. The movers walked in, looked around, and said "Yesss - this is going to be an easy job."
The head guy stated several times that he loved my bins and he loved that all the little stuff was packed away. They did open everything to make sure it was packed ok (and rewrapped my Christmas ornaments) but all in all they were thrilled that I had done half their job for them and I was thrilled that I was able to pack most things the "right" way (aka MY way). We had 6600 pounds and they were out of my house in three and a half hours.
For real. I think that might be some kind of record.

I'm looking forward to everyone else's submissions for the round up! See you Friday!

Two More Weeks!

2011-07-24T19:10:00.003-06:00

And then we're gonna party like it's 1986.

Extra Original Baby Names Part 2

2011-07-23T08:31:00.002-06:00

Apparently, in New Zealand you can name your baby "Number 16 Bus Shelter" but you can't name him "Duke".

Because that's too weird.

You can read the article here.

Also, wanna bet that Number 16 Bus Shelter is actually where that baby was conceived? Stupid parents.

Number 16 Bus Shelter, you need to pick up your toys before you can go to the playground!

Bobby

2011-07-21T17:48:00.003-06:00

For several months, we've been joking about this dude, Bobby.
We didn't know him. He just showed up in my kid's vocabulary one day.

JBallz yells for Bob if he wakes up in the middle of the night. I hear him crying for Bobby when Phil is putting him to bed. Sometimes when JBallz is playing by himself I'll hear him jabbering to his toys and talking about Bobby.

Sure, honey. We'll let Bob know you're looking for him the next time we see him.

And then we joke about how we know when JBallz is really angry because he yells "Bobby" like a million times.

Today we were cuddled up together watching a little Sesame Street, because JBallz has a crack problem and somebody said something about their Mommy and JBallz pointed at the TV and said "Bobby!"

Oh, DUH.
Just gonna put that in my MomFAIL folder and move on...

Overloaded

2011-07-19T12:27:00.008-06:00

I am. It's true. What with the French and consumables and visitors and sightseeing and playing mom and being an awesome haus frau, I'm pooped.
JBallz, though. He's having a blast.

Also, if you are in google reader or something please click onto the blog and take my poll on the left. It's really important, ok? These are big life decisions, after all.

In Which JBallz has Surprisingly Good Aim

2011-07-12T18:38:00.006-06:00

So I have a cold.
Now normally I would be business as usual (although I do make an effort not to infect others, which makes having colds a very lonely time...sigh)and do all the crap that I normally do (i.e. raise another human being) BUT, this cold is awesome because my voice is all hoarse and I'm coughing quite a bit which means that I am obviously sick and actually get HUSBAND SYMPATHY (I know! Miracles can happen). After Phil got home from work today (or as I like to call it, school) he realized I was sick and stuck out his bottom lip and started to talk in Speech Impediment to me. Which I love. Because it usually means that I get the evening to myself. YESSSS!

Phil: Awwwwe! Poowr baby, awe you feewing yucky?
Me lip quivering: Yes! I feel terrible! And I went all the way to the grocery store today, to get the umbrellas that...sigh...*you* wanted. Sniffle, cough.
Phil: Well, why don't you just stay in bed and I'll take cawre of JBallz fow you.
Me pouting and sniffling: Okay, I guess so. If you think you can do without me.
Phil: In fact, I'll go sweep in JBallz woom tonight and you can have the whole bed to yowself, Okay?
Me trying to hold in excessive amounts of elation: Okay, it's what's best after all. You don't want to get this, it's awful! I'll miss you!

Hah! Not!
So, then I went to bed. And by "went to bed" I mean turned on the TV and surfed the internet...at the same time, of course. Because that's how I roll.

Anyway, the hours passed and I began hearing JBallz yelling (not crying, yelling) from his room. I waited for a bit to see if Phil would go take care of it, but nothing happened so I got up to go tell him to shut his trap myself.
When I opened the door from my room into the living room I could hear what the kid was actually saying.

"DAAAAAAAAD!"
short pause
"DAAAAAAAAD!"
short pause
"DAAAAAAAAD!"

Phil wasn't in the living room (and this apartment only has three rooms), so I was confused about what was going on in JBallz room. I cracked his door open a bit and there was my crazed, hyperactive son, with a crib full of toys, which I can only assume Phil gave him (why? I don't know). He was jumping around the crib, throwing toys at my husband, who was sound asleep on the spare bed next to him.

DAAAAAAAAD!"
hucks random toy at Phil, hitting him in the head
"DAAAAAAAAD!"
hucks random toy at Phil, hitting him in the head
"DAAAAAAAAD!"
hucks random toy at Phil, hitting him in the head

I closed the door and went back to bed, because I AM SICK AND I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH EITHER OF THEM.

I'm sure Phil got up eventually.
Maybe.

In Honor

2011-07-12T07:10:00.008-06:00

of it being only thirty days until MY SISTER COMES (squeeeeal!) I'd like to post a photo (of us, of course) and hopefully embarrass my mom at the same time. I'm a multi-tasker like that...it's just how I roll.

How old do you think this bologna is?

For shame, Mom. For shame!

My World...It's Falling Down Around Me

2011-07-09T21:53:00.004-06:00

Are you ready for the crashing-down-aroundness and the sense of loss of all reason and predictability in life???!!!

Ready?
You should probably sit down for this.

No really, I just about died when I saw this.

BAM!

Try not to faint (it's difficult, I know).
This is Neville Longbottom.
No joke.

I have no idea how old this kid is, and I may be writing my next blog post from prison, but...HUBBAHUBBA!

Arrrrrgh! Now I HAVE to go see those stupid movies...

Flag Day or Feel Better Mom, It's Better Than It Sounds

2011-06-26T19:54:00.006-06:00

Note to self:
Never walk a mile in heels.
Especially when it's a bajillion zillion degrees outside.

I showed up a hot, sweaty mess to Flag Day (sorry everyone who met me for the first time, I'm not normally so...red). JBallz was mega fussy. Phil was like, the fifth person announced - which was great, because JBallz wouldn't stop whining. So I spent the rest of the time chasing him around the hallway and thinking Djibouti, Djibouti, Djibouti, Djibouti, Djibouti, Djibouti to myself.

Anyway, we went home right after so I could shower (I was SO sweaty...yuck) and call our parents and by the time we got back out we had pretty much missed the after-party. Lame.

BUT

The more I learn about the job and living situation in Djibouti the more I realize the CDO actually was listening after all (that or he thought I had great knockers...one of the two).

We asked for a high differential (we gotta pay for a house, yo!).
We asked for it to be a Russian or French speaking post.
We asked for it to be a smaller city (don't handle too many lights, noise pollution, etc. very well...neurological yada, yada, yada) and it's the size of Colorado Springs. Really.
We told him we were "interested in Africa".

We got everything we asked for wrapped up in a safe, VERY HOT post...also, it's pretty much on the beach - which would be cooler if JBallz wasn't so blonde.
And apparently, one of the big things to do over there?
Swim with these freaky things:

Go ahead. Look into that giant mouth and know that it's the most dangerous thing in Djibouti. Really.

Also, I'm thinking about becoming a crazy coupon lady to offset a little bit of the cost of consumables.
Advice on consumables? Anybody? ... Buhler?

You know that KC and The Sunshine Band song?

2011-06-24T15:22:00.002-06:00

It goes like this:

Shake shake shake
Shake shake shake
Shake DJIBOUTI!

No? Those aren't the lyrics? Well, they are now.
We be leaving in January to go shake our booties in Djibouti!

This ALWAYS happens to me!

2011-06-23T08:09:00.002-06:00

There is a giant pimple on my nose. It's pulsating, and I'm pretty sure it's talking to me every time I look in the mirror.

Hello, Camille. Flag Day is tomorrow. Aren't you glad I showed up for the occasion?

Also, my pimple's imaginary voice sounds a lot like Barry White.

And I think he really wants me to go to Arby's.

The Funny Thing About JBallz

2011-06-21T17:30:00.012-06:00

is that he really, truly believes he is talking to people. He can only say a few actual words, but he babbles like crazy. Believe me, he understands the fine art of conversation. It's really funny. We call him "The Communicator" because he's so very...expressive.

For example -

There's a little fountain thingy by our apartment and Phil and I let JBallz play in it one hot day after several hours of museum visits. I know, right? Best parents evah!

Needless to say, he had a lot of fun splashing around.

Then this little girl showed up. She wasn't really even paying attention to little JBallz. But he really, really, wanted to tell her how much fun it was in the water.
And he started to yell at her and gesture wildly, flapping his little arms all over the place. "You have GOT to come in here! It is so much FUN!"

And then he was tried to get Phil and me to agree with him. "You guys think this is fun, right?"

Sure, honey. We think it's fun, too.

"See? They think it's fun. You just come in and you play in the water like this-"

And then, while he was explaining the intricacies of fountain playing, the little girl's dad made her leave. It was very concerning when he looked up and she was walking away.

And I'm pretty sure there was much confusion in the mind of JBallz. How could anyone NOT want to play in this?"

Not to worry though, within moments all was forgotten and he was back to splashing.

"The Communicator" has the memory of a goldfish, apparently.

One Upper

2011-06-20T16:23:00.003-06:00

Definition: a person who is impossible to have a conversation with. No matter what you talk about, One Upper has a bigger, better story.
They are usually lying.
They are annoying.

"Example"
"When I was twelve I went out hiking and my Grandpa and I found a dead body in the woods."
"I found TWO dead bodies in the woods...when I was SIX."

or

"I am so tired today, the baby got up at five this morning."
"That's okay, my baby got up at four."

When the phrase "that's okay" enters the conversation, you are officially talking to a One Upper. It's best to just walk away and find someone else to talk to, because you will never "win" that conversation.

A Series of Unfortunate Haircuts...Father's Day Edition!

2011-06-15T06:29:00.004-06:00

And by "Unfortunate Haircuts" I mean "Strange 70's Glamour Shots" of course!

If you know my Dad, these will make you laugh - if not, how weird are these?!?

How did this happen?

I was thinking about going out in a field today and striking a few thoughtful poses. Wanna come take pictures of them?

I'm so confused.

Maybe I'll ask him about it when I see him...TOMORROW!

Happy :)

I swear, Elmo is like crack for toddlers.

2011-06-13T11:53:00.003-06:00

It's intense, you know. Intense.

Entering the real world...

2011-06-10T11:27:00.004-06:00

I'm used to working at a hospital. I'm used to grabbing a little lunch and sitting down and chatting about how so-and-so's patient had diarrhea that sprayed onto the walls, or so-and-so's patient had a giant infected smelly body part, or somebody had the nastiest something. Phil says that people in the 'real world' don't talk like that (I know! How insulting! Are you implying that I'm not living in the 'real world'?) and that maybe my conversation should not always revolve around puke or poop or disease or blood or whatever.
Seriously, it's almost like nothing bothers me. Stomach of steel, here people. Stomach of steel.
It doesn't even phase me, and I have been asked numerous times if "we could maybe talk about that later, when I'm not eating?"
I was going somewhere with this...
Oh yeah.
So the other day I was with my new friend, and we were getting off the metro and going up the escalators (with our strollers) at the Rosslyn station. Apparently, the escalators at this particular place are the third highest escalators in the world. No kidding.
So, my friend had backed up onto the escalator with her stroller and was facing down and I had pushed mine in front of me and was on the escalator facing up. Getting a mental picture of this yet, Mom?
It was a long escalator ride, to say the least, and so I started talking about how long and creepy the escalator was and how I was watching this "I Survived" show and it was about this escalator that broke and went crazy and all these bodies were piling up on the bottom and the lady who was telling the story almost lost her leg and it was this big, bloody, escalator-freak-accident.
And my friend (looking down the creepy escalator tunnel) says, "Maybe now isn't the best time to talk about this?"
"Oh yeah, uh...sorry."

This is one of those times I am supposed to be living in the real world isn't it?

Note to self: Add freak-accidents-that-could-occur-right-this-very-second-in-this-very-place to the list of topics that you are supposed to avoid in order to not look like a complete moron.

"Grandparent Post" or "A Little JBallz to Brighten Your Day"

2011-06-08T11:23:00.004-06:00

I was changing JBallz' diaper this morning and I said "Yuck! You have poop!"

And JBallz laughed and said "I'za poop".

I think we can officially say that he can talk now (when he feels like it).

Also:
The coolest thing about the National Mall? Splashing in the water at the WW II Memorial.

The worst thing about the National Mall? Being taken away from the water at the WWII Memorial.

Th coolest thing about the zoo? The rocks. Seriously.

And it was a life changing experience indeed!

2011-06-06T20:01:00.005-06:00

Phil isn't going to want me to admit this, but when we were on our honeymoon, we pretty much only ate baguettes and nutella.
I'm not even kidding. Breakfast, lunch, AND dinner.

Anyway, I met up with my adorable friend Megan on Saturday. I actually owe not only my attendance to the Bon Jovi concert, but also my life to her - because I would probably still be walking around lost in a parking garage in Salt Lake City if she hadn't rescued me and I would be slowly starving to death. What?!? It's not my fault that I have no sense of direction! I blame it on ADHD...and Phil. He's confusing. Turn east?! I have no idea where east is! I will never understand east! It is a thing that is not understandable! Baaah!

Yeah...so Megan's friend told us to try this pizza place called 7th Hill Pizza (Capitol Hill...right next to the Eastern Market if you're ever there) because they have a NUTELLA CALZONE and it will change your life.

It was even cooked in a brick oven. And doused in powdered sugar. And the warm Nutella dripped all over the table...
I'm still drooling about it and it was three days ago.

In Which I Ponder Strangling My Husband

2011-06-03T18:39:00.006-06:00

I can't ever remember how titles work. I know you don't need to capitalize every word, but I can never remember which ones are the words that don't have to be capitalized, do 'am' and 'to' need to be capitalized? Scratch that - I don't actually care.

Soooo, we met with this guy today who pretty much has complete control over our future. He is the decider-of-all-places-to-be-gone and he was meeting with us today to discuss our priorities when it comes to the bid list yada, yada, yada - I don't know, maybe it was for something else, I wasn't really paying attention. But I knew that this was important to Phil and so I went sans attitude and, of course, fully medicated so that I wasn't busy looking at shiny things in his office.

Anyway, he was quite pleasant and made several jokes that I may or may not have laughed just a little too hard at (You're jokes are so funny! You are wonderful and amazing, and have I mentioned that I am not a huge fan of Crapistan? Please like me.)

The meeting was a huge failure.

Partly, because I wore a not-very-flattering-but-at-least-it-was clean shirt that was just a little on the low cut side and I had JBallz in my lap and he pulled at my shirt and I looked down later and I'm pretty sure my bra had been showing for most of the meeting. And not a nice bra either, a grayish, used to be white, t-shirt bra. Ugh.

BUT THE WORST PART was when we were chatting about preferences and Phil said "We are interested in Africa." True. We had discussed this beforehand.

"Even scary Africa."

Not true! We did not discuss that! I thought to myself don't say that out loud, Phil!

But then it turned out that I said that out loud.

Which I'm sure solidified his image of me as a crazy laughing lady whose boob was trying to escape her shirt.

Anyway, we are probably headed to "Scary Africa" now. You can thank Phil for that.

A New Acronym for the Foreign Service (as if there aren't enough already)

2011-05-30T08:07:00.005-06:00

Disclaimer: I would just like to preface this by saying that if you are one of those poor souls who don't have a sense of humor - this is a joke. If you are offended by my insensitive remarks about flies and three-legged dogs, you are invited to not read my blog. I only write it for my mom's entertainment anyway. We are, in fact, bidding on plenty of sad places - where I plan to volunteer my meager nursing skills to try and do a little good, and have informed Phil that if we are assigned to one of these places we will most likely be leaving there with an orphan...or two...or three.

So, we got the Bid List (the list of places the we might go - we have to bid on them, thus the name Bid List...get it?) the other day.

It may or may not be full of crapholes. Just sayin'.

We've been working through the list and trying to find a happy medium between the places that Phil wants to go (everywhere, basically) and the places that I want to go (um...vacation destinations) and we have come up with a ratings system to try and help us a little. Are you ready? It's called the C.S.I.

The Civilian Sadness Index.

Pretty self-explanatory, no?

When rating the C.S.I. of a country, you need to consider the following:

1. How many three-legged dogs will I see in the average week in this country?

2. Do the residents of this country bother to swat the flies away, or do they just let them crawl all over their faces?

3. How many times will I see a grown man taking a dump in the street?

For example, in the fictional country of Crapistan (Sorry, can't say what's actually on the list - it's a Rule) the rating would go something like this:

1. How many three-legged dogs will I see in the average week?

0-1 No biggie, I had a neighbor with a three-legged dog when I was a teenager...in Colorado. The C.S.I. is not affected by this number.

2-5 Poor puppies! C.S.I. is upped by 1.

6 or more. C.S.I. is upped by 2, where are all those legs going?

In the country of Crapistan you can expect to see 2-5 three-legged dogs in the average week. C.S.I. of Crapistan is now 1.

2. Do the residents of this country bother to swat the flies away, or do they just let them crawl all over their faces?

Yes - nothing added to the C.S.I.

Only the corrupt elite - add 1 point to the C.S.I.

No - Add 2 points to the C.S.I.

In Crapistan, the corrupt elite have their worker bees fan the flies away with palm leaves. So, we add 1 to the C.S.I., and now the C.S.I. is 2.

3. How many times will I see a grown man taking a dump on the street during my time in that country?

Ewwwwe. Never! - nothing is added to the C.S.I.

Once or Twice, but only the mentally handicapped (although, to be fair, I saw this happen outside of a nursing home in Utah once). Add 1.

Every time I go on a drive. It's totally normal to drop your drawers and relieve your bowels wherever you feel like. Add 2 to the C.S.I.

In Crapistan, pooping in the street is widely accepted, so we add 2 more points to the C.S.I. making the grand total 4.

0-2 Awesome country. Clean and healthy people. We're talking Canadia here, folks.

3-4 Mmmm - this will be challenging. Probably won't divorce Phil over this, but I'll certainly think about it while I am trying to potty train JBallz (no, pooping in the road is not ok JBallz!).

5-6 Hopefully Janet keeps a position open for me at the hospital, because I'm gonna need a little extra money when I leave Phil and Rampantdiseaseville behind...with my 6 new children that I am adopting.

To use the Civilian Sadness Index in a sentence:

Hey honey, I'm thinking about bidding high on Rampantdiseaseville. What do you think?

I don't know about that Phil, the C.S.I. is at least a five there.

The New Digs

2011-05-23T21:11:00.004-06:00

But, I am NOT allowed to tell you where the new digs are. No, I am not.
It's a Rule. There are lots of Rules, you know. I just found out about them (well, Phil did and then came home and told me that if I didn't follow them, he would pull a Josh Powell on me.......ok fine, it didn't quite happen like that, but I was asked to please watch what I put out in public).
No posting of two or more Foreign Service Officers in a picture together.
No posting about where we live.
No posting about any Super Top Secret Special Things.
Be vague, they said, very, very vague.

Hmmph! (Stephanie Tanner syle, here) HOW RUDE!
I was just about to post my credit card information and my social security number, but alas! My plans are foiled again!

BUT, I'm pretty sure can post a few very VAGUE and not all that exciting photos of My-New-Digs-Which-Are-In-A-Very-Very-Secret-Place. I will only give you my address if you are going to mail me something pretty. Also, you can't be a spy or anything, mmmkay?

Master Bedroom. Proudly displaying my lack of housekeeping skills...

Large and spacious kitchen. You see that cabinet to the left of the fridge? Kinda looks like it's almost behind the fridge? Yeah, I can't actually reach that cabinet. It's tucked quite far back there. Also, the dishwasher and fridge cannot be opened at the same time...

Living Room.

A very cool, city-ish balcony (am I starting to sound like a country bumpkin yet?).

JBallz' Room. Two twin beds (come visit!) and an oddly tall crib. The thing comes up to my armpits. I pretty much just have to toss the kid in there because there's no 'gently laying him down'. At all.

And yes, we are using the bed as a changing table (still come visit, ok?).

Miniature Aliens?

And I'm just now noticing the bra hanging from the doorknob. Ignore, please.

Lamest Rapture Ever

2011-05-22T07:00:00.007-06:00

It's been a little rough.

JBallz. Is. So. Sick. He seriously vomited on and off for three days, then had mega diarrhea-blow-outs since then. The count so far is 7 episodes of vomit and 5 really, really bad diapers since Tuesday. He did a mini-vomit on his shirt while the plane was landing (after he had been fussing and crying the ENTIRE flight. I know the whole plane hated me. Probably wondering why we didn't leave the baby at home. We had no choice!) and then he did a slightly larger mini-vomit on both his freshly changed shirt and my shirt at luggage claim. All I can do is be relieved that it wasn't projectile, like it had previously been. And then (what?! more!?) in the taxi as we pulled up to our new house he had a giant blow-out so I had to carry him out in front of me, lest he mix his diarrhea with the vomit already on my shirt and held my hand under his bum so he didn't drip (are you reading this Peter and Kortney? Time to emotionally ready yourselves...) and then after I cleaned him up, he had another episode of diarrhea. At least we were safely in the new apartment for that one. Phil stuck those diapers out on the balcony though, PEE-YOOOO!
Yup. For real.
And Phil wants to have another one.

Also, we are totally going to be Mega-Bad Sinners today and ditch church to go find a grocery store and some Pedialyte.

Update: One day after we move and now he's totally fine. What. A. Turd.

My facebook conversation with a criminal

2011-05-19T20:25:00.004-06:00

On Facebook chat....

Amanda: hi
Camille: Hey Amanda! How are you?
Amanda: am cool and u?
Camille: Better than two days ago :) all done with the movers and I'm officially homeless!
Amanda: ohh okay
well am really happy today
i have great news for u
Camille: Oh?
Amanda: yes
Do you hear what our Government is Doing in helping the deaf and hearing people in the community now
Camille: No-what?
Amanda: i thought u heard already because this has been a spread news all over, Anyway my name was on the list of people who will be receive compensation and I got $100,000 real cash already...did you get yours?
Camille: Are you spamming me? Lol.
Amanda: nop
am realy serious about this
But when the agent came to my plave and deliever the money to me, I saw you name on the List of those who's going to get the money, You have to talk to him now
hi
Camille: Seems very spam-like that someone would come to your door and hand deliver cash to you. Bizarre...
Amanda: is not spam okay
Camille: Prove it.
Amanda: his online now so you can claim yours too, The name of the agent in charge is officer jamie gadner you can get him on gadgerjamie@yahoo.com .. hope u mail him now
Camille: This reeks of spam. The real Amanda has a college degree and knows how to punctuate. You aren't even capitalizing your proper nouns.

Amanda is offline.

I Had A Dream

2011-05-12T07:56:00.000-06:00

It was about Extra Original Baby Names.

In fact, I think we can safely say that it was a nightmare.

In my dream, my sister-in-law had a baby and she named her Derfler (this name was pinging around my head because I had seen it on a wedding invitation recently). And when we came to see the baby at the hospital I asked if she was joking and she got pissed at me. So angry, in fact, that when she immediately became pregnant with another baby she didn't tell me and I had to find out through my Mother-in-law. So we came to the hospital to see that baby and she had named him Drama.

Derfler. Drama.

This just goes to show that even if it's spellable/pronounceable it can still be terrible. Drama = NO.

And not all last names work as first names. Derfler = NO.

Also, do you want to read a HILARIOUS little name list? I love it. All except the part where she claims it's an Idaho and Utah thing. I'm here to tell you - the Extra Original Baby Name phenomenon is, sadly, nationwide.

A Series of Unfortunate Haircuts - Mother's Day Edition!

2011-05-08T16:25:00.003-06:00

What is the common denominator between my own unfortunate haircuts (whilst I was living under the supervision of my mother) and my mother's unfortunate haircuts?

I'll give you a hint. IT'S MY MOM.

I think we all know where to lay the blame for the bad hair decisions now, don't we?

Happy Mother's Day to my not-so-hair-savvy Mom ;)
Love you!

Household Inventory Woes

2011-05-02T22:36:00.004-06:00

Can I just say that putting an inventory together of everything you own is quite possibly the WORST THING EVER????
It makes me want to gauge my eyeballs out with a spork.

And I would do it too...if I didn't feel obligated to inventory the spork afterward.

Let us have a moment of silence

2011-04-29T22:08:00.002-06:00

For my dog Gus. He went to his new home today.

I know that he is going to be very happy at his new home, and he's probably forgotten about us already (he never was the sharpest tool in the shed), but I miss him.

Sigh.

The problem with "Extra Original" baby names...

2011-04-25T23:39:00.002-06:00

is that I make fun of them. And I can't even help it. Hello?! Does no one else see that naming your baby something 'original' is NOT actually ORIGINAL if it is the POPULAR thing to do? The logic is backwards to me...

So, in anticipation of practically every single child in JBallz' school having an Original Baby Name (what?! you mean there are two Rickens in his class? that's so weird, I thought I was the only one who would name my child something Original) I made it a rule to name JBallz the opposite of an Original Baby Name. This guarantees that I have, in fact, saved him from not only a lifetime of being JBallz K. in his classes, but also from (and take it from me, I do this all the time) explaining, pronouncing, and spelling his name toeverybodyandtheirdogallthefriggintime.
JBallz' name is not actually JBallz (shocker). I have also not decided on the best way to show possession with it - JBallz's, JBallz', JBall'z ...dunno.

Hmm, where was I going with this?

OH YEAH.
So we hired a property management company to rent out our house and the guy came over to take some pictures and do some paperwork with us and do you know what his name was? Torsten (oh puh-leeze Phil, there is NO way he will ever find this blog).
So when he left I did what I do every time I meet somebody with an Extra Original Baby Name.
I made fun of it, of course. How could I not? Hello?! Torsten. Plus, he had a terrible accent from-a-certain-area-of-this-State-which-unfortunately-sounds-like-he-never-graduated-kindergarten-and-is-most-definitely-NOT-a-southern-utah-accent(hint,hint). So can you blame me for automatically assuming that his mom must have been an Extra Original Baby Name kind of girl?!?

I cannot be blamed for passing judgment on someone when they show ALL THE SIGNS.

Sadly, Phil dashed my joke cracking dreams by informing me (rather snottily, too) that Torsten is a fairly popular German name and that Torsten had told him that his mother was German and maybe I shouldn't be so Judgey McJudgeyface when I was going to be a diplomat's wife next month.
So then I told Phil that he is wrong, as usual, and that I know WAY more about German names since I not only lived in Germany when I was six (five? seven? can't remember), but I also took two years of German in high school and not ONCE have I ever heard that ridiculous, made up name.
But then I looked it up and I was wrong.
Fine. Sorry, Germans. Feel free to make fun of the name Camille. And then make fun of my mom for pretending to be Original and name me an Extra Original (french) Baby Name.

Apparently, I don't know how to count...

2011-04-20T11:49:00.009-06:00

Because it's more like four weeks until we move. It's not like it makes a big difference to my skyrocketing stress levels though. Can you blame me for freaking out and mis-counting? I mean really, math is haaaaaarrd. Calendars have all those silly numbers on them. I don't know what I'm doing!

Also, I just realized that Phil's cousin Kristi (who I LOVE and has a hee-larious blog) is moving out to D.C. practically the same day so we will even have built in friends out there (hah! you have to put up with us Kristi and Brock, it's your DUTY, because we're family). So that will be nice.

Also, two hundred something page views yesterday?!? Who are all these anonymous followers? Stalkers. De-lurk yourselves! The only people who you need to follow anonymously are ex-boyfriends and people you hated in high school. So unless I'm your ex (or even better, your husband's ex) or you straight up hated me back in the day (and who can blame you for that, really. I wasn't on medication for my AD/HD in High School and I'm sure people thought I was crazy) don't follow me anonymously - it freaks me out. Pretty please.

Also, because I am CLEARLY procrastinating doing the thousand things on my To-Do List today, I was poking around my pictures and I found an Unfortunate Haircut that I scanned, meant to post, and then forgot about. So here it is - are you ready? I'm the brunette (is it a little weird that ALL of my siblings are red-heads? yes, it is).

I'm not even sure what to call it - it's not exactly the "Gender Neutral" but it's not exactly a mullet either...

Also, nice picture taking mom. Love how Joe is right at the center and Elise is practically cut right out. We always knew he was your favorite!

Also, apparently all of my paragraphs start with also. Sorry. I talk that way. Phil finds it extremely annoying - he also says that my paragraph spacing is over-dramatic and unnecessary.

Whatever, Phil. Don't judge me when you spell better in french than you do in english and do long division all frenchy and weird looking and I love you in spite of it! What an amazing and forgiving wife you have ;)

I hate it when I tell everybody I know something and then it turns out that I was wrong.

2011-04-19T08:56:00.002-06:00

So - remember how I was all mad at politicians everywhere because they were being dumb and the State Department canceled their May class and it made me want to go out in a field and cry like JBallz?

Well, I wasn't lying. They did cancel the May class.

And then they UNcanceled it. Ask me how I know that...go ahead.

I know because Phil got the invitation to go to it. Today. Three weeks before we need to move. THREE WEEKS.

If I don't blog for the next month, just know that it's because I'm in MEGA stress mode.
Starting in 3, 2, ..... 1.

An Unwilling Participant

2011-04-12T14:26:00.007-06:00

Remember how I went to that photography workshop because I wanted to improve my mamarazzi skillz (that's skillz with a z - you know, because it's cooler that way). Well, I went - it was very informative, perfect for my level of non-knowledge, and I left feeling inspired and all creativey. So, I've been trying to take more pictures and who better to take the pictures of than my little JBallz?
Wrong again.

Ugh. It makes me so cranky I want to go cry out in a field.

2011-04-08T13:29:00.006-06:00

Thank you Congress (you too, Senate!) for being so mature. For compromising (you know, like adults) and for putting the well-being of the American citizens before your political agendas. Oh wait....yeeeaaaaah - you're not doing that AT ALL.

This whole thing is making me BEYOND grouchy. We thought for sure, we'd be outta here for the May class and now they have canceled it. At least Phil and I are both able to work and keep our lives going - think of all the people who can't because of this.

Sorry 800,000 people who are trying to feed your children and pay your bills. You just aren't important. Sorry people whose incomes depend on going to work everyday, you just don't matter.

*Update*: They are LUCKY they figured something out because I was about to go dole out some spankings for bad behavior.

A Rough Morning for JBallz

2011-03-30T19:54:00.007-06:00

Hmmm, I suppose I will allow your blatant disregard for my privacy, but only because...

I have this awesome lighter to suck on.

You wanna take a picture of the lighter? I can share with you...

WHY WOULD YOU TAKE AWAY MY LIGHTER!?!?!

WORST MOM EVER!!!

I Don't Know Why We Are Even Married...We Have NOTHING In Common.

2011-03-24T09:57:00.002-06:00

"You wanna hear something weird?"

"Sure."

"You know how when men sweat they usually drip in a line down their chest, or they sweat across their chest? Jon Bon Jovi sweats from his stomach. Seriously, it was like a a little puddle on his shirt right there on his tummy. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was a circle. A circle of sweat. But nothing on his chest at all. It was crazy. I've never seen that before. I thought it was kind of strange. He was definitely sweating from the pits though, so that part was normal. Maybe he doesn't have sweat glands in his chest of something. I guess it doesn't really matter though because he's a mega hot multimillionaire rock star so he can sweat wherever he wants and nobody is going to say anything probably. I don't know, do you think stomach sweat is weird?"

"Are you listening to me?"

"Jon Bon Jovi's sweat patterns are not relevant to my interests, Camille."

"Oh."

Lay Your Hands On Me, Jon...No, Really. It's Okay, I Cleared It With My Husband

2011-03-23T18:09:00.003-06:00

So...my birthday was earlier this month and my present was two-fold.

Fold one - I'm going to a photography workshop next week to improve my skillz.

Fold two- well... I told Phil back in November that It's My Life and I really needed to Runaway and have a night out with the girls. This news was like Bad Medicine for him because he thought I could Have A Nice Day just being with him! So I told him not to worry, I'll Be There For You. Always. This was enough reassurance for him so he said that I Give Love A Bad Name, but he would Keep The Faith and let me go and play with my girls for a night. So I bought tickets to see a man sing. A man that I have always Wanted, Dead or Alive. And I went out with twelve fabulous friends to see an amazing show. We were Livin' On A Prayer the whole night, hoping it would never end. But if You Want To Make A Memory, then you know, all good things must go out in a Blaze Of Glory. And at the end of the night I went home and went to sleep in my Bed Of Roses.

Last. Night. Was. Awesome.

How Much am I Worth?

2011-03-18T14:06:00.002-06:00

I recently read some very rude comments about stay at home moms (which I will not link to because the author does not deserve any publicity). And while I am not officially a SAHM because I still work two days a week at the hospital, I do consider myself to be (mostly) a SAHM. Being a mom is harder than any other job I've ever had. So I started thinking about it. How much is my time worth? How much am I worth? In dollars.
So what is it exactly that I do and how much should I be making? I am a ...

Teacher

My husband’s cousin’s wife (I know- random) said that she is starting out at 30k a year –best case scenario. And, to be fair, I actually have one year of experience in teaching elementary school computer classes (best job ever) so I am going to give myself the typical one year raise here. Oh wait, yeah – that still makes it $30,000 a year.

Maid

My fabulous local classifieds are advertising a job at a local maid service company for $9.00 an hour. Now, truthfully, I don’t spend my ENTIRE day cleaning. But I would definitely say that I spend at least half an hour a day doing general upkeep and pickup and several times a week I take on larger projects that need to be done. I would estimate that I spend a total of 10 hours a week on just straight cleaning (which has all been MUCH easier since I started FlyLady.) So 9/hr for 10hrs/week. That’s 90.00 a week. 52 weeks a year (because even if I manage to go on vacation for a week, which RARELY happens, I put in extra effort the week before to get ready and the week after to recover) $4680.00 a year.

Cook

To be fair, I’m really not what anyone would call a great cook. I thought about substituting “Cook” for “Nutritionist” because, hey, they make more - but then I remembered that I fed my son chicken nuggets and crackers for lunch and so decided that I was most definitely more of a “Cook” than anything else. About ten years ago I got a job as a cook at a local restaurant (compares to Denny’s or IHOP). They paid me $8.25 an hour. I probably spend one whole hour a day on actual cooking. But once a week, I spend time putting together a menu, looking through ads for sales, and going out and purchasing food. That probably takes three hours out of my week. So I average 13 hours a week. But I’m going to be a very honest employee here and only give myself ten, because sometimes we go to other people’s houses to eat, and sometimes I just microwave leftovers. So, without taking inflation into account, I should be making $8.25/hr for 10hrs/week. So that’s $4290.00 a year.

Bookkeeper

Indeed.com says that the average bookkeeper salary is 35,000. If you’re wondering why I didn’t write “Accountant” as the job, then I should tell you that not only do I NOT do our taxes every year, but I also do NOT manage things like retirement accounts, nor do I ever bother(or remember) to research things like refinancing our mortgage, etc,. My husband is the “Accountant” for this organization. I'm the Book keeper. So there you go. 35k a year.

Personal Assistant to the CEO

I have a very close friend who actually was an executive secretary to a CEO and she made only $15 an hour (in my opinion that is TERRIBLE pay for this job). They paid her for 40 hours a week, so that she could be on call 24/7. So, 15/hr. 40hrs/week is 31,200.00 a year.

Nurse

It is most certainly a full time job changing diapers, bathing someone, getting them dressed, feeding them, and assisting them with Activities of Daily Living (ADL’s) and comfort. Assisting physicians in examinations and treatments, responding appropriately to emergencies, and dispensing medications are all part of the job. Monitoring vital signs, and making and managing care plans is ongoing. Starting pay for an RN around here is only about 20.00/hr (no joke – another HIGHLY underpaid job). I am nice enough not to add what a CNA makes on top of that (a HIGHLY, HIGHLY underpaid job). So, $41,600 a year.

Family Counselor

Payscale.com says that a marriage and family therapist averages between $36 - $58k a year. I’m giving myself $36k for now. Prices will increase as we add more children to our family.

Chauffer

GreyHound pays its drivers around $18 an hour. Of course, I don’t drive all day long. But I estimate that I drive about (and keep in mind that I live in the middle of nowhere) 5 hours a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. That’s an average. $18/hr for 5 hrs/week = 4680.00 a year

Repairman (woman)

I would say that a very modest fee for general repairs and handywork would be about $50 per incident and (since we are homeowners ) I estimate that we have an “incident” once a month or so. $50 times 12? $600 a year.

So, let’s do the math here…

Teacher 30,000.00

Maid 4,680.00

Cook 4,290.00

Bookkeeper 35,000.00

Personal Assistant 31,200.00

Nurse 41,600.00

Counselor 36,000.00

Chauffer 4,680.00

Repairman 600.00

Grand Total?

$188,050

I’m not even tax deductible and I do it all free of charge.

Am I missing anything?

A Series of Unfortunate Haircuts - Anniversary Edition!

2011-03-18T10:35:00.004-06:00

I like to think

that we are a match

made in bad hair heaven.

Happy Anniversary Phil.

p.s. Aren't you just SO excited for when JBallz is too cool to stand near his family in photographs?

Photos courtesy of my brother-in-law, who puts all of his pictures online for me to steal :)

We went to Las Vegas for a week...

2011-03-09T16:38:00.002-07:00

Where we decided that we could have an "open marriage".

Meet Jon Bon Jovi, my new lover.

...and Gwen Stefani, who let Phil lick her face.

Because I'm a sucker for period dramas and musical theater...

2011-03-06T21:16:00.003-07:00

I hope you are watching the 25th Anniversary Production of Les Miserables. It's airing RIGHT NOW on PBS, and will continue to be re-aired all night tonight. Set your DVR now. Why?

A. Nick Jonas (as in, the one from The Jonas Brothers) is playing Marius and he is SO mediocre. There are about a ZILLION other good-looking-young-men-who-can-sing in the cast. Like me, you can chuckle at his sad little voice compared to...everybody else's. Also, the lighting makes his wonky tooth look even stranger. He has so much money, why doesn't he fix his teeth?

Where was I?
Oh yeah, reasons to watch.

B. The ENTIRE CAST (excluding a very lukewarm Marius) is incredible. Seriously.

C. If you didn't love musical theater before, you will now.

D. Masterpiece Theater is not on tonight because of this. It's worth it. I promise.

So go watch it -now. You can thank me later for bringing a little culture and happiness into your life.

Hungry Man

2011-02-28T17:01:00.005-07:00

Texting Phil on his way home from work:

Me: Hey, am at mom's for her birthday.

Phil: k

Me: There is a sink full of dirty dishes with your name on it.

Phil: k

Me: Also, there is a hungry man for you.

Phil: ?

Then I remembered that Phil grew up in a family that doesn't really 'do' TV dinners. So I didn't answer. Because I felt it was funnier that way.

Did You Really Think That I Ran Out Of Unfortunate Haircuts?!?!?!?!?

2011-02-22T23:07:00.005-07:00

Hah! Clearly, you underestimate the pain and suffering of my youth.

Sorry, things have been a leeeetle bit busy around here. I broke my finger, we are all sickish, I am trying to start inventory-ing my household effects. Ugh.

Anyway,

Here it is...

The Grown Out Dorothy.

There are so many odd things about this picture, the least of which is my hair (I would have gone all out and dubbed it just 'The Hamill" but I have a SUPERB picture of my fourth grade Hamill which will make people cry out in jealousy - I just haven't scanned it yet).

What's the first thing your eye is drawn to in this picture?

Is it the grabbing of the baby by the overalls? The sah-weet black jean/brown shoe combo? The 'don't take my picture' face? My mother masquerading as Farrah Fawcett?

No.

It's the jeans pulled up so far they almost touch my teeny weeny eleven year old beebees.

Thanks a lot, Mom.

Blatently Disobedient.

2011-02-16T15:58:00.006-07:00

So, we bought JBallz a new car seat. The kind that faces forward and gives him A WHOLE NEW WORLD when he is riding in the car. Now that he can see me when we go places, he has been 'talking' to me a lot more.

"JBallz, say 'Mama'."

"Dada?"

"Mama."

"Dada."

"Mama."

"Dada!"

"Mama."

"DAAAAADAAAAA!!!"

"MAMA."

"DADADADADADADA."

Ugh.

This isn't really a 'family' blog.

2011-02-04T20:28:00.009-07:00

As in, written by the family (perverts). Obviously, I took it over a loooong time ago.
I'll forgive you for your impertinence Phil, but just this once. My blog. Mine!

Anyway, there are a few things here to clear up.

Security clearance: the guy told us it would be done a zillion years ago. Then it wasn't, and later -it wasn't...and even later - it still wasn't. It turns out they were waiting for the IRS to fax some paper in to prove that we pay our taxes. Grrrr. Then, our security clearance guy resubmitted the thing for the IRS and they STILL didn't bother to fax it back. Sometimes it is just so nice that Phil used to be the executive director for the Utah Republican Party, because he was able to pull some strings and one week later we were contacted and told that the security clearance was really, actually, truly, for-real-this-time finished.
Sweet.
Now Phil is a very good secret keeper. A top secret keeper, if you will :)

Ranking: for my non-foreign service peeps - this is very important. Your spot in the ranking is the difference between doing all this medical/security crap for nothing or for something (something being the job). The higher your score, the higher on the list you go. But they only take so many people per training class. If you were 70th on a list with 150 people on it and they only decide to take 10 or 20 people for the classes - you might never get a call. You could just sit on the register for 18 months (that's when they kick you off). Get it?
Phil got a 5.7 - which is awesome. Puts him at number fifteen (but, really, it's more like 10 or 11 because there are a few people ahead of him who put themselves on the Do Not Call list). 15 out of 115 is decent (and by decent, I mean awesome). We probably (hopefully) won't sit on the register for too much longer.

DNC: Initially Phil put us on the DNC (do not call) list until May. Meaning that we didn't want to start any training until after May so Phil could put in 90 days at his brand new (big pay raise) job because he thought they would do some kind of salary match - but alas, we were mistaken about the salary matching details and have taken ourselves off DNC. Not that there are any classes before May anyway. Whatever.

So that is that. Still just waiting for now. But I am going through the crap in my house with renewed vigor and making lists (I love lists) - lots and lots of lists. List of what to do to get the house ready to be rented. Lists of things to sell, things to go to the dump, things that aren't ours that we need to give back (my sister's baby crap, for example) and on and on and on.
I'm in list heaven.

Also, anybody looking for a very sweet, loving, playful half lab/half pit-bull to cuddle with? He does well with babies who pull on his ears, toddlers who hit him and children who try to ride him like a pony. Please someone, give him a good home. He deserves one :)

Phil read this and wants to know if I could possibly fit the word 'crap' into this post a few more times. It'll be hard, but I think I can manage it.

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!

We are on the Management Register!

2011-02-01T14:51:00.003-07:00

We got word that we were placed on the Management register yesterday. Our current rank is 15/115. All we need now is an invitation!

A Must-Watch List

2011-01-26T10:19:00.003-07:00

Okay, here's are the movies I think are in that video...

Masterpiece Theater’s Persuasion (there was a lot of this one – possibly because that tall blonde brooder is the most attractive man EVER ... uh, besides Phil)

Masterpiece Theater’s Northanger Abbey

Sense and Sensibility (the one with Kate Winslet and Emma Thompson)

Pride and Prejudice (the one with Kiera Knightley)

Wives and Daughters (I think. I haven’t actually seen all of that one, but I recognize a scene or two)

And of course

The Movie With the Shirtless Man in the Desert

Missing:

A&E’s Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth and his dripping wetness

North and South (Look back. Look back at me.)

Masterpiece Theater’s Sense and Sensibility (with the always gorgeous Dominic Cooper as bad boy Willoughby)

Masterpiece Theater’s Emma (I really want to slap Emma, but Johnny Lee Miller makes this worth watching)

Am I missing anything?

Rip Off the Roof and Stay in Bed

2011-01-24T22:26:00.001-07:00

Go ahead girls, get yourself wet.

Still can't figure out who the shirtless man in the desert is... anybody know?

What were YOU doing for seven hours last Thursday?

2011-01-23T22:51:00.002-07:00

You owe me a forearm massage, Elise.

Baking Skillz

2011-01-17T23:25:00.005-07:00

It fell apart when I tried to flip the cake out of the pans and onto the plate.

So then I had to glue the chunks together with frosting.

What is this? Is this supposed to be birthday cake???

Hmmmm - I suppose it tastes like birthday cake...

I'll allow it. But watch yourself, Mom.

Please practice abstinence kids. Birth control is NEVER 100% effective. Believe me, I know...

2011-01-11T23:29:00.005-07:00

Soooooo

I took JBallz to the mall to get a skirt for my sister's wedding. He started getting cranky in JCPenny. I figured he was just tired of being in the stroller, so I found a dressing room and sat down in a chair and took him out to play a little.
Then he barfed all over me.
A LOT.
It got in my hair, on my neck, down my shirt and puddled in my lap. Siiiiiiiiiick.

Then I didn't know what to do. I was sitting in the corner of the store covered in vomit.
So I called Phil. And after a lot of blah, blah, blah - it was decided that I should just get in the car and head home. But I was parked on the opposite side of the mall.
And I couldn't find a bathroom.

So I thought maybe I would avoid the stares by going around the outside of the mall.
Nope, snowstorm (I freaking hate Utah sometimes).

No avoiding it - I had to make a walk of shame through the entire mall. Covered in puke, with a crying baby (also covered in puke). I smelled so bad.

But my favorite part was when a cluster of teenagers saw me and I heard several "Ewwwwe. Yuck" 's. I should have stopped and talked to them about birth control.

You want this to happen to you! Don't have sex until you feel like you are mature enough for this to happen to YOU.

I still have a couple Unfortunate haircuts, but not today...

2011-01-06T22:05:00.007-07:00

Get ready...

The adorableness of what you are about to see is likely to heal your soul.

Seriously, I'm thinking about hiring him out as a Soul Healer/ Happiness Maker.

That's a 'Phil face' right there.

Happiness achieved.

Soul healed.

Look at those man-boobs! Oh, so squishy :)

Good Morning Mom! It's lovely to see you.

Ladies, I am the man your man could smell like...

Don't worry, his belly covers all the 'man parts'.

He takes his cookie eating VERY seriously.

Dapper Dan.

Happiness achieved x 2

Soul healed x 2

So proud of myself for keeping him alive for an entire year - I can probably get a plant now!

Just trying to be as cool as all the other bloggers...

2011-01-02T20:33:00.002-07:00

For the New Year:

1. Okay, seriously, I really need to stop looking like a homeless bum. It's bad. So I am going to do my hair and makeup and get dressed every day this year.
Well, maybe not every day. How about three times a week?

Okay -this year I am going to do my hair and makeup at least ONCE a week.

2. Do more laundry. This will help me with the goal mentioned above. I usually don't bother with it until Phil 'casually mentions' that he doesn't have any clean underwear. Then, before I do anything, I usually throw in a jab like "your arms are not broken" and "what did you do before we got married?" and "I'm not your mother".
Hmmpf.
Anyway, I'm gonna do more laundry - it'll help avoid a lot of fights.

3. Have a better attitude at work. Instead of being shocked at the behavior of some of these patients, I am going to pick out the good people and really try and connect with them. Even if I am getting called ALL THE TIME to go and help someone wipe themselves (my ankle had surgery and now I can't wipe my own butt????????).

4. And most importantly -

This year I am going my QUIT my solitaire addiction.

Male ballet dancers are kinda creepy.

2010-12-23T23:51:00.003-07:00

I should know, I'm watching The Nutcracker on PBS right now.

Too many butts on the dance floor.

Anyway,

It is the eve of Christmas Eve for another four minutes, and I am finally finished with gifts.
If anyone asks me to do anything for them ever again, I swear, I'll go postal on them.
Don't tempt me. I really will.

A series of unfortunate haircuts - The Rachel

2010-12-11T23:13:00.002-07:00

Don't even pretend like you didn't have one of these...

...and the giant, bulging neck to go with it.

A series of unfortunate haircuts...

2010-12-06T09:32:00.002-07:00

Triangle head.

A Series of Unfortunate Haircuts...

2010-12-03T21:37:00.003-07:00

WHO IS THAT BOY???

Oh wait...

(I blame ALL of these on my mother - jeeze mom, couldn't you have done anything about this??!!??)

We interrupt this program...

2010-12-01T19:42:00.003-07:00

To give you the "What I'm Thankful For" and "Christmas Decorations" post (apparently, this is practically mandatory. Almost all of the blogs I read have these, and since I want to be one of the cool kids...).

I'm thankful for

and since I went all out white trash this year, I didn't even have to decorate for Christmas. It was all still up from last year.

So there.

A series of unfortunate haircuts - part 3

2010-11-29T21:22:00.002-07:00

The "Almost Mullet".